Every so often a club will inspire a person in such a way that he will die for them. He is a man whose life revolves around the team, and what is happening to it. He is the one who hurts the most when they lose, and roars the loudest when they score. For Tottenham Hotspur, Charlie is that fan.

And along with his undying love for Tottenham comes an unequivocal hatred of Arsenal. Charlie once turned down anal sex because he is acutely aware that the term ‘up the arse’ is associated with the act.

Charlie is a man who that has followed Tottenham everywhere no matter how shit we have been. And a man who should sit with more satisfaction than any other now that we’re half decent. Although, obviously, don’t get used to it – always remember Jason Dozzell, Clive Wilson and Kevin Scott.

We spoke to super Yid, Charlie, about this season and this is what he said…

1. Favourite moment of the season and why?

Final whistle against Arsenal. Finally burying that awful curse that had crippled any argument we had against them. It was the perfect remedy to the semi final shame days earlier. The atmosphere was sublime, Gomes phenomenal and the pure relief turning to ecstasy at the end is what derby days should be about.

2. Lowest point of the season?

For once, few to speak of. Wembley is the obvious, the slip ups against Wolves and Stoke at home also. I think the 3-0 defeat at the Emirates was the real low – beaten in 15 seconds and never looked like we’d get close to clawing anything back.

3. Favourite game and why?

Chelsea at home. It was the one that we weren’t supposed to go and do that… even better that it was no fluke either. We dominated the Champions and in the end, it was lucky for them that we didn’t embarrass them. Luka Modric really demonstrated his worth that day.

Special mentions for Man City away – that goal celebration will live with me forever and Stoke away, that was the first time I actually believed we could finish 4th.

4. Goal of the season?

Danny Rose v Arsenal. Stunning hit. Assou-Ekotto v Liverpool and Huddlestone v Bolton come a joint second. All in the same net as well.

5. Favourite player this season?

Tough – Gomes, Bale, Modric, Dawson, all have stood out. Ledley has defied belief and stepped in to become a true leader when it’s really mattered. I’ll have to give Bassong a mention too, many doubters, but he’s put in a steady shift and in my opinion, is widely underrated by Spurs fans.

6. Biggest regret this season?

Spineless performances at Old Trafford and Anfield. Key games, lost the appetite for it and succumbed to that stupid 64 game nightmare away to the ‘big four’

7. One player we MUST sign this summer?

A real world class striker. Defoe was class for half a season, Crouch in patches, Pav played his part – but none were reliable throughout and are going to get any better. Villa, Benzema, Dzeko – someone with real Champions League pedigree.

8. Priorities for next season?

Winning the Champions League qualifier. A defeat would put pay to all the hard work we’ve put in this season. We’ve got to prove we’re worthy of the top 4, the only way we can do that is by staying in it and giving a good account of ourselves in the competition.

9. What can Redknapp really achieve at Spurs?

He’s got a lot of good assets available to him. I don’t see a need to change the squad, just continue to develop the talent we’ve got. If we can get a consistent team out, keep players fit and fighting hard, we’ve got every chance of putting up a good fight on all fronts. I’d like to think that this time next year, we’re considered a real challenger in the Premier League, not just the winner of the also ran’s.

10. How long do you give him?

My heart says the real question is ‘how long does he give us’ – if Capello leaves the England job or he’s offered the job at Liverpool, Arsenal… even Man United – I can’t see him turning that down. I’d be disappointed if he’s out without a real obvious replacement lined up and a genuine need for a change of manager.

What say you?

1. Favourite moment of the season and why?
2. Lowest point of the season?
3. Favourite game and why?
4. Goal of the season?
5. Favourite player this season?
6. Biggest regret this season?
7. One player we MUST sign this summer?
8. Priorities for next season?
9. What can Redknapp really achieve at Spurs?
10. How long do you give him?

F*cking join our facebook fan page please

Posted: May 17th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 6

Well well well, another win, in another London derby. Kings of London. Or just kings of everything: football, life, doggy style, the bogel. Big b*llocked kings that’s what we are.

The game on Wednesday was amazing enough. The occasion was of course more important than playing Chelsea (which is the last time they’ll be mentioned by their name, from here on in they will simply be called ‘Minge’. They will be called ‘Minge’ because their team and fan base is full of them, John Terry being the biggest minge of them all.)

The win over Arsenal meant more. We ended their season. And we witnessed Danny Rose break the sound barrier when he hit that screamer from 75yards. This performance though, well it was something else. Wednesday was always going to be difficult, it’s the way it goes when you play the Scum – the stench from trampy Woolwich Wonderers is enough to put you off going to the game at all, imagine having to rub up against one while defending a corner, but that was Arsenal, and we did what we needed to do.

Against Minge though, well we battered them didn’t we? I mean, Minge are top of the league. They’ve got that minge up front (who ‘pulled his hamstring’), and that minge in the defence (he got a red card, quality) and that minge in midfield (you know the one, he’s fat, and overrated), but we bossed them out of the game. We should have beaten them by five or six, Pav could’ve had a brace, and Bale a hatrick.

Defensively we were solid again. Our shape was superb, as it was against the Scum, and how it needs to be if Palacios is not in the side. I was always sceptical of what we would be able to take away from these games against Arsenal, Minge, and Man Utd, and when Palacios picked up his 10th booking of the season against Pompey at Wembley last Sunday, meant I was convinced we’d ship goals. But our shape was so disciplined that we barely missed the ‘Wilsodimiter’.

Redknapp has turned White Hart Lane into something of a defensive fortress. What was it? 10 goals conceded last year; I think today was only the 12th we’d let in this season (might be wrong, can’t be bothered to fact check). You have to marvel at the change to be fair. For so long we were that team who were involved in joke 4-4 draws, when going two-nil up in the first half only meant that we’d let in four in the second. Not any more. Well in Harold.

I’m not even going to talk about how good Bale is. There’s no point. He’s been our best player for months, pretty much since his first game back into the side. I simply can’t wait to have him down one side and Lennon down the other, next season they’ll be tearing it up. That is providing Fergie doesn’t come sticking his bright red nose in our business again, then again Utd are broke, there’s no way they will be able to compensate us with the £25m it would cost to prise Bale away, at least I hope they won’t. Apparently Ryan Giggs is no longer Ferguson’s favourite left sided player…you can hear the rope being tied around the banister at the Giggs household now. Honestly, without Sky, perhaps Alex Ferguson might realise that no one gives a solitary f*ck what he thinks.

Anyway thank you Spurs, for breaking my heart and then making it brimmed with more love for you than I ever thought possible.

And you know what we’ve actually done with this result: we’ve given Arsenal the one thing that is worse than all that despair that was dished out last Wednesday; we’ve given them hope.

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Posted: April 18th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 14

I’m not one to gloat but… f*cking come on you f*cking lily whitesssssssssssssssss aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

How does that feel you filthy Gooners? Played all your pretty football didn’t you? Pushed the ball around the park a bit, yeah alright, but jesus, wow, what happened? I know, the Yids ended your season didn’t they…? YOUR SEASON’S OVER, YOU DIRTY GOONER C*NTS, YOUR SEASON’S OVER, TRUST IN ME WHEN I SAY… I LOVE YOU GOMES, YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE…

And how about Gomes? Three unbelievable saves in the last ten minutes. Hold on? Wasn’t this geezer a laughing stock a year ago? Wasn’t everyone calling him a clown? Yeah I think they were, not now though. That save from the rapist’s free kick was world class. I love that man, more than my missus.

I know, ten years without a win in the league against the Scum, but you know what, it makes it all the sweater. We spent more than you in the last ten years so we did, we have all our top-drawer players bought from our squad, snatched from our grasp, and we have to destroy what would become a decent team and despite that we still manage to turn up and turn you bastards over. Palacios was booked wasn’t he?

And how about Rose? Little Danny Rose. You saw him on the touchline on 90 mins, pleading that score line through. That volley, I’m sure he knows, will go down in history, to be replayed over and over again. When it went in I couldn’t believe my eyes. It gave me hope, hope that we had put the ghost of Wembley’s pitch to bed. And we had.

This victory was all the sweeter because you can imagine how much Arsenal enjoyed that result. I got my fair bit of stick off it, and that’s partly why this game was so important, and to win, like that, well it’s what dreams are made of isn’t it?

So enjoy yet another season without a win. And, God (Messi) willing, Fabregas will find his way home to the bosom of his mother, Barcelona, in the summer: a place he was snatched so cruelly from as a child.

Eat it.

YIDS.

Posted: April 14th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 25

By guest blogger: Kid in the Front Row

The movie is about to start – your anticipation builds up: this is going to be the best movie you’ve seen in a long time. In fact, you’ve been dreaming they’ll make a movie as good as the ones you loved from the early sixties. But Billy Wilder isn’t making films any more, that was a long time ago. And sure, there were a couple of good European films in the seventies and a few glimmers of genius in the early nineties; but generally – the films are never as good as the olden days, but all you can do is hope. You know one day soon somebody is going to make something magical.

This is exactly what Spurs are like. With two minutes to go in the F.A. Cup Semi-Final this year, as Spurs were drawing 0-0 with Portsmouth; I turned to my Dad and Brother and said “I feel like I’ve seen this game before.” They both laughed, they both got it; that feeling of doom. Like when you’re watching a great movie, full of action and promise; but then something familiar happens, a corny love story or a predictable plot development. Just like that you realize, f*ck, here we go again, another film with a lot of promise that ends up just like all that others. You can feel it before it actually happens, just like I did during the game. And then Michael Dawson fell on his arse and within moments Portsmouth were 1-0 up. Yes, I’ve seen this film before, and now I’m being made to watch it again.

Most Hollywood movies have a very set pattern, it’s burned deep within writers, director, and the viewers at home. The films start off full of energy and originality; they excite the crap out of you and make you feel glad to be alive. The first forty five minutes of most films are like watching a silky bit of Luka Modric skill, they’re solid and dependable, like Ledley King, full of speed and sharp editing like a good bit of Lennon on the wing– but then it happens; just as you was beginning to to trust the movie, it crumbles like Ledley’s knees. It starts to run along predictably like Aaron Lennon on an off day, or like Robbie Keane constantly turning around, throwing his arms around and wondering what the hell he’s doing with his life. Tottenham’s FA Cup Semi Final played out exactly the same as the league this season. Glimpses of magic and glory and heart, but lost steam towards the end and limply did it’s best to just about make do. At the time of speaking; Spurs are about to face Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United whilst struggling to keep up with Manchester City. All anyone can do is hope.

That word, ‘hope’, is really what movies are about and really what Spurs are about. It’s why the fans keep coming back. Spurs are a team full of true supporters; full of people who know what a good movie looks like, and knows that somebody will make another great one some day soon. Sure, Spurs could be like other movies — i.e. an arrogant film by some pretentious French director who keeps casting average young actors and claiming he’s going to revolutionize the industry, or they could be like so many other films – predictably doing the same old thing year after year, or could be like one of those big-budget blockbuster’s that has so much cash thrown into it that when you look up at the screen you know you’ll never see a beating heart or anything resembling true passion. Spurs are better than that, Spurs are about heart and integrity. They want to make great movies and one day will: we just have to keep hoping.

Posted: April 14th, 2010 under Kid in the Front Row.
Comments: 4

For all those still waiting eagerly by the front door hoping that their semi final tickets may actually yet turn up, don’t fear.

I’ve read some bellends posting all kinds of terrible information, the worst stating that if you don’t receive you tickets via the post then you will lose your seat and be refunded rather than being able to pick up a reissued ticket at Wembley on Sunday. That’s b*llocks frankly. And would have been a decent wind up if it hadn’t spread like wildfire. Unless it is a wind up, and I’ve been done. If so f*ck you and bravo.

The official line from the ticket office at the moment is that you should wait until tomorrow morning at the earliest before contacting the club. The last batch of tickets weren’t sent out until today, so there’s a good chance that yours (and mine) is still on its way.

Why it’s taken the club all week to get this sorted is beyond me. It’s hard to psyche yourself up for Wembley when you’re sitting there wondering whether some bastard Gooner postie has destroyed the ticket out of jealous and spite because despite the fact that they ain’t going to Wembley (again) and they got smashed up on Tuesday, deep down, they all want to be Yids, and follow a proper club rather than that hollow empty shell of a franchise they currently have.

In other news Pompey season ticket holders can now buy 5 extra tickets, and 2000 tickets have gone on general sale. Villa season ticket holders can apparently buy 6 extra tickets now. Muggy little clubs.

Anyway, God willing, I’ll be seeing you at Wembley. Getting a bit bored of the place to be honest.

Posted: April 8th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 13

He scored four goals against the scum, hurrah, hurrah he ran from 50yrds and chipped Alumnia, hurrah, His hatrick was for all the yids, and whatever happened to arsenal’s kids, Lionel Messi, Barca’s number 10!

There’s so much to gain from hating Arsenal. Every time I watch another team play the Scum it’s like watching Spurs. The same level of enthusiasm is there to see Arsenal get stuffed whether the Yids play them or Barcelona do. Watching that tonight was a thing of beauty. It’s not like the Scum don’t think themselves equals to the world’s best team (and probably the best side over the last two years that I have seen in my 28 years) but the last two games obviously proved otherwise. The first game was a total injustice that was equalled out by Fabregas ‘breaking’ his leg. That’s what happens when you get into bed with the Devil, Cesc, you get f*cked in the arse. Not sure what that means, but it feels right.

So I’ve got nothing more to say than while Spurs enjoy yet another trip to Wembley and Arsenal’s ‘young and developing side’ are silenced…again. I can rest tonight easy, safe in the knowledge that justice has been served, and God has played an ace card in proving to me that he exists, it’s just that I never realised he played up front for Barcelona.

Posted: April 6th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 86

Bye-bye, Ekaterina

Wow, hi Ekaterina…hold on you’re not that bird off of big brother are you? The one that pumped Ronnie Wood. She does my nut in mate, proper. Wouldn’t go near her with Tommy Huddlestone’s dingle dangle, you know what I mean?

David (Bentley). xx

Posted: March 26th, 2010 under From Russia with love.
Comments: 2

I have to be honest and confront this one head on. Some of you won’t like me, some of you will think I’m a self-opinionated c*nt, some of you won’t like the way I talk or write, some of you will ‘get me’, some of you would happily talk the same sh*t as me for hours over a few pints and some of you will be utterly ambivalent towards me.

And herein lies the problem with a collective of any given 36,000 people in the same space. Odds on some of them are going to be obnoxious c*nts that you wouldn’t pass the time of day to under normal circumstances, they may well have something in common with you for sure, but you’d as sooner stick a fork in your eye as to choose to spend time with some of these people.

Last night was a great case in point, I was in the West Stand last night, and behind me was clearly the championship manger of the year. The first half was like having David Bleats more irritating and less well informed younger brother behind me. For F*ck Sake! If I’d wanted sh*t commentary I would have stayed at home and watched it on ITV. Fortunately he had little to comment on in the second half as the ‘inspired’ subs by ‘arry meant that it was to have been at the lane was a thing of beauty.

Consequently ‘Mr. Championship Manager’ also left with 10 minutes to go (not so sure about dedication to the cause or indeed having learnt from many seasons of previous mistakes) no doubt tired out from a lack of negative things to say, in order to pick up his sibling and drive slowly through North London.

Now for me, games are a precious thing, I am not a season ticket holder, I get tickets whenever I can and go to as many games as possible. However, as a consequence of having been moved to the south whilst still a child, it does mean that I have, approximately, a 90 mile journey (through the heart of the city) home, so please don’t call me a part-time supporter. If I’m able to I’m there, driving home still well after midnight warmed by the prospect of one or maybe two Wembley trips. And if I can’t be there I follow by whatever means are available, I am one of the many screaming out for the new stadium as it will mean better availability and more chances of visiting more frequently.

But I’m still a member of the same ‘family’ and that’s exactly what it’s like (assuming you come from a big family) over the years you all disperse far and wide and occasionally you get a chance to meet up, normally weddings and funerals, and have a bit of a shin dig. And on such days, you will find the bitter and twisted old uncle who only sees the bad in everything, the granddad who felt you up when you sat on his lap aged three and the cousin who was always trying to get you to ‘chase the dragon’ as a teenager. You will also hopefully get utterly sh*t faced and have a great night; looking forward to the next time you get together.

And so it would appear that, like families, I guess even if we all irritate each other and bitch about different things, the one lasting truth is that somewhere along the line we all made at least one good decision, and collectively we have enjoyed the good times and endured the bad ones, and that’s worth remembering. Doesn’t mean that some of aren’t complete melters though (and yes I am aware that does include some people’s likely view of me) so please don’t expect me to like you all, just expect me to support my team to the bitter (and it usually is) end.

So I was there with you (in body for some and in spirit for others), in the rain, nervous as hell and with the resting heart rate of a paedophile at an orphanage.
And this morning I am a happy and excitable person, just like you, but with the added benefit of maintaining the same heart rate, due to too much coffee this morning having driven through the night with a smile on my face. So maybe I’m not so different to the Mr. ‘Championship Managers’ of the world, I just drive faster round town that’s all.

by Tricky

Posted: March 25th, 2010 under Tricky.
Comments: 11

It’s been a while since the last post. It’s no coincidence that lack of activity on Cocks to the West coincided with Tottenham’s lack of form. And Gareth Bale has won the Cock of the Week every week since the he came back into the team – there’s no point in writing a new post for Bale every week, or I can’t be bothered, which is more likely. Then again I do this for free because I’m not the one and only paid Tottenham blogger on the net unfortunately, he is I think. More Cock of the Week to come when it isn’t Bale.

Bale really has been magnificent though hasn’t he? You can’t quite find a way to deny him the praise he deserves. He has controlled nearly every game he has played in (since deputising for the excellent Ekotto.) When he gets that ball and goes down that wing you know that he’ll get the ball over. Towards the end of the Everton game I realized that I was beginning to expect him to beat the man and deliver a cross. This is a dangerous thing obviously, as with Tottenham expectation leads to disappointment, and in the very few cases where a player has managed to maintain a level of performance that Spurs fans typically aspire to then expectation leads to Man Utd. Berbadogg and Carrick (c*nts).

What will happen in the summer when Utd inevitably make their approach? Bale has a contract until summer 2012 which means that we would be able to command a substantial fee (if he continues this recent form I can’t see us taking less than £20m, of course he’s not worth that figure, but given that we wouldn’t want to sell him, they would have to pay over the odds. Well over them. Plus there’s still a little bad blood left over from the Berbatov deal.

Good draw at Fulham the other night. I can’t remember much of the game due to alcohol, other than Pav’s overhead kick and Gomes’ wonder save, that upon reflection, was perhaps a comfortable save made to look fantastic by a touch of Brazilian flair. I’m quite happy with the replay, I’ve always enjoyed midweek cup games, and given the importance of this tie there will be plenty of room to for merriment before and after the tie. I hope, Oh god, I really really want to go to Wembley again. Please Tottenham please.

What else, Palacios was a silly boy the other day opening his mouth about aspirations beyond Tottenham. In hindsight The Sun probably took the way Wilson put his point across out of context: he only said he wanted to leave Tottenham one day and move on to a bigger (and better) club. That’s aright. He’s only undermined the football club that I’ve loved so dearly since I was first pushed out of my mum’s chuff 28 years ago. Luckily I place no stock in what Palacios, or any other player for that matter, says. Any player is a commodity to the club, what’s important is that when he wears my shirt he does so with respect and with passion. The shirt is the only thing that matters.

That said you ask any Spurs player if they want to play for Real Madrid none will say ‘no’. To be honest, for a long time Football has been about meeting up with mates, getting pissed, singing some songs so this stuff doesn’t affect me in the same way it does other fans. That said people are talking as if he’s on the plane already. Bit like Sandro.

Cocks out.

Posted: March 11th, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: none

Well, that was bloody depressing wasn’t it. I feel awful today. I had made a plan not to get drunk last night. I wanted to be fresh for work today. Then the game happened. Howard Webb happened, and his hapless linesmen happened, Arsenal and Bolton happened. So, I got drunk, drunk to forget. So now, not only did Spurs play poorly, the Scum are top of the league and I feel awful. F*ck my life.

But then, we knew it was going to happen. Spurs never turn up when we really need to. We’re kind of like a cork that bobs along without ever making a splash. As a club, as a whole, we just can’t do it. What’s it been? 66 games, you would think law of averages would mean that we’d fluke just one of them games. Just one. But then, Spurs are cursed, blatantly. For some reason the powers that be hate us. Lest we forget Pedro Mendes?

And what of Howard Webb, what will happen to a referee who doesn’t know the rules of the game. I mean, it’s his job to uphold the laws. If he can’t do it dump him down the leagues. Fine him. These decisions are costing clubs millions and millions of pounds. Oh I don’t care, I’m just bitter, we didn’t deserve anything at all, but then neither did Liverpool, they were woeful. Just pissed off. I hate that potato head Benetiz.

What will happen against Leeds. By rights we should turn up and dick them, they are, after all, a League 1 side. But who knows. I’ll be there, I’m looking forward to the Leeds fans coming down and making a show of themselves, all that time before kick off filled with beer, not the best planning to play this game at 5:15, but then tv money always is the bottom line. I’ve always admired Leeds’ fans, and their passion, and it might be a bit nawty on the high road. Should be fun.

To bed!

Posted: January 21st, 2010 under Flav's posts.
Comments: 8